Most people who know me would say that I'm not a very emotional kindof guy. At my best moments I can be described as unflappable and restrained, and at my worst as cold and callous - but always unemotional. I can count on my one hand the number of times I've ever cried (including what I can remember from my childhood). I view this however, not as something to be proud of, but rather as a character flaw.
At times I feel so out of touch with my emotions that I wonder what deep part of me is so broken that I'm prevented from experiencing in my heart what others around me are experiencing. At other times, and only under the most moving of situations, I find myself being able to feel some emotion, but it rarely manifests itself in anything more than a sigh.
The few times where I have cried, have been unusual experiences for me. They have always been an odd mixture of the emotion that brought me to tears, and shock at the fact that I'm crying. "What is this running down my face?" I say to myself. "What's happening to me? This feels weird, but good. I wonder how much longer these tears will run for. This is getting embarassing." The mindless running thoughts usually trail off after the initial shock dissipates, and afterwards I'm left surprisingly, feeling somehow more whole - more human.
My most recent tear-inducing experience was at a church service at Redeemer in New York City in late Feb this year. I listened to pastor Tim Keller give another compelling and moving sermon about the beauty of the gospel - "that we are more sinful than we ever dared believed, and at the very same time, we are more loved than we ever dared imagined." I thought about the depths of Christ's love for me, and was overcome by a feeling of thankfulness. After the sermon we sang a familiar song - "Love Song" by Third Day - one that I've listened to many times over the years. Yet somehow that day, the words of that song burst open a dam inside me that started Niagara Falls running down my face - an ugly and beautiful moment that I won't soon forget.
Here are the words from the song:
I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary
Just to be with you, I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give everything
I would give my life away.
I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
But all of those dreams are an empty emotion
It can never be done
I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea
I know that you don't understand the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.
Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.
Ted - that song is so beautiful! thanks for sharing that with us.
Posted by: Anna | 04/30/2008 at 10:41 AM